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But most of us don’t ask enough questions, nor do we pose our inquiries in an optimal way.The good news is that by asking questions, we naturally improve our emotional intelligence, which in turn makes us better questioners—a virtuous cycle.

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Or perhaps they worry that they’ll ask the wrong question and be viewed as rude or incompetent.In fact, among the most common complaints people make after having a conversation, such as an interview, a first date, or a work meeting, is “I wish [s/he] had asked me more questions” and “I can’t believe [s/he] didn’t ask me any questions.” Why do so many of us hold back? People may be egocentric—eager to impress others with their own thoughts, stories, and ideas (and not even think to ask questions).Perhaps they are apathetic—they don’t care enough to ask, or they anticipate being bored by the answers they’d hear.“Be a good listener,” Dale Carnegie advised in his 1936 classic “Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering.” More than 80 years later, most people still fail to heed Carnegie’s sage advice.When one of us (Alison) began studying conversations at Harvard Business School several years ago, she quickly arrived at a foundational insight: People don’t ask enough questions.

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